Finding Alice Read online

  In their latest session John finally admitted to Janet that perhaps there were some ways he was a bit like George. He certainly liked to keep his car and home immaculate just like George. However because he and George were so competitive he didn’t know much about George’s background. From snippets of conversation he had gleaned over the years he gathered that George had not always been rich and successful. In fact if he thought about it he was sure he had heard that George had actually come from a working class suburb but tried to hide it. Yes, just like Steve McQueen and James Garner were alike but fort with each other, perhaps he was more like George than he had ever been prepared to admit.

  “So you think Audry married me because she thought I was like George?” he asked Janet.

  “I don’t know John, what do you think?”

  You are just like all psychiatrists you answer every question with a question,” countered John.

  “That’s not quite true John. I can guide you but ultimately you must come to your own conclusions. I can’t think for you.”

  “OK, I guess I am just getting a bit frustrated with the whole thing.”

  “That’s OK John, you know a great strength in life is if you can tolerate ambiguity. For many things there are no black and white answers.”

  “Yes, I guess so. But I don’t treat people the way George does. I don’t act in a condescending way.”

  “ Maybe not but what about the smart alec way you went on when you first came here and tried to bait me in our first meeting?”

  “You knew I was baiting you?” John paused for a minute to gather his thoughts.

  “OK so you knew I was baiting you. Buts that’s not the same as being condescending.”

  “Well, I didn’t question that you were exactly the same as George, just that you might be a lot like him in some ways.” She was really leading him now.

  “So baiting people is similar to being condescending?” John was now thinking out aloud. Janet let him go on without saying anything. John continued,

  “OK I guess being a smart alec is thinking you are smarter than the other person. And yes I was a bit of a smart alec when I first came here. Being condescending is perhaps still thinking you are smarter than the other person but putting them down in the process. Being a smart alec is not as bad as being condescending?” John said in a questioning tone.

  “Really?” Janet responded in the same questioning tone.

  “Well, perhaps they are both designed to put the other person down in their own way,” said John, thinking out aloud.

  Again there was silence for a minute. Janet could sense John was really starting to get some insight and did not want to interrupt his train of thought.

  “Yes but I still reckon being condescending is nasty. Being a smart alec is better as it is putting yourself down, especially if the other person is onto you………” John’s voice trailed off as a myriad of thoughts rushed through his head.

  “Just like you were on to me at our first meeting?” offered John still questioning.

  Still Janet said nothing.

  “I didn’t realize at the time you were on to me. You are one very smart lady Janet.”

  John was feeling very emotional and very attracted to her. She seemed to totally understand him. It seemed to John that she was also attracted to him. Certainly he felt totally in tune with her today. He couldn’t help himself and made a pass at her,

  “You are looking particularly attractive today, Janet.”

  Quickly she jumped all over it.

  “John, it is not unusual to have strong feelings of affinity toward your therapist. But those feelings probably aren’t what you think. Many people actually start to think they are even in love with their therapist. You have probably seen the movies where the patient falls in love with the nurse or doctor. But that’s not the way it is John. We have a professional relationship and that is it. You may find you are repeating emotional patterns you experienced toward your parents as a child.”

  “OK Dr Rush,” feeling a tinge of rejection, he reverted to using her formal title.

  Janet came in again,

  “I think you have been getting some real insight this morning John, so I don’t want you to be offended by what I have just said. As we agreed my name is Janet in these private sessions.”

  For a moment there was silence again, but John’s thoughts were moving at a rapid pace. It seemed Janet had been right on to him from day one. Perhaps Alice had also been on to him in her kitchen that day when he boasted about the Wilson sale. Perhaps more people than he ever realized had been on to him in the past when he had been a cocky smart alec?”

  “So my smart alec behavour has to stop Janet?”

  “That’s up to you John, but I think you know the answer to that one.”

  He certainly did. I’m becoming a SNAG, thought John.

  “OK Dr Rush….,” he corrected himself, “Janet…, maybe being condescending and a smart alec are not that far apart after all. I will certainly give it some thought.”

  “Yes John do that, I think that will do us for today. Why don’t we meet again at 10:00am tomorrow?” She wanted to have another session with him while these thoughts were still fresh in his mind.

  This time as John walked away from her office he felt a sense of achievement. He sensed he had had a major breakthrough. He had to admit that rather than feeling he had the weight of the world on his shoulders when he left their earlier sessions, he was actually feeling good now. Even if Janet had rejected his advance. Still he thought, I think she likes me.

  Actually as he thought about it he had never been so relaxed in his life. He wasn’t worried about how perfect his appearance was any more. In fact today, he hadn’t even bothered to shave, which would have been unheard of in the old days. That afternoon he was sitting on the front veranda, still thinking about the morning’s session with Janet, when he saw a horrible sight coming up the path. It was Audry and she had George in tow. They marched right up to him.

  “He’s looking better today don’t you think Dad?” she said right in front of him, as if he wasn’t even there. She is treating me like I am mental, a mentally ill patient, thought John.

  Ignoring Audry’s insensitivity John thought it was time for an apology,

  “George, last time I saw you I said some pretty horrible things. I am really sorry.”

  However George just glared at him without saying a word. Audry broke the silence,

  “Come Dad, we had better talk to Dr Smith.”

  Each time she had come, Audry had had very little to say, preferring to go and talk with Dr Smith, about John’s “condition.”

  I don’t know why she is talking to Dr Smith, when Janet is my therapist, he thought to himself. But that was Audry. Just like George she always had to talk to the top person.

  John didn’t know how long they talked to Dr Smith because he did not see them when they left. By that time he had retired to the TV room in an effort to avoid them.

  Next morning at 10:00am John knocked on Janet’s door for their session.

  “Come in John”, she said in a warm and friendly voice.

  God its much nicer meeting with her than Audry and George, thought John.

  “Guess what, I saw George yesterday afternoon. He came with Audry,” volunteered John.

  “Oh,” said Janet, “what happened?”

  “I apologized to him but he just glared at me.”

  “Well John, you may be starting to get some insight into your problems but you can’t expect other people around you to suddenly change. He probably wasn’t expecting that from you. Have you ever apologized to him in the past?”

  “I guess not,” said John.

  “So how do you feel about our conversation yesterday?”

  “Well, I guess I have realized there are some similarities between George and me. But I still reckon being a smart alec is not quite as bad as being condescending,” he offered.

  “I don’t think we need to get into
a pedantic discussion about that do we John? Can we just agree that both behavours are not desirable?”

  “OK.” John was not going to start a senseless discussion like he used to.

  “The main thing is you agree that there are at least some similarities between you and George.”

  Grudgingly…”Yes.”

  “OK, what do you feel about your parents not wanting to improve their lot in life?”

  With all the other problems John had not been thinking about this.

  Well, I guess they just wanted different things to me. I don’t hold any grudges against them.”

  The comment “no grudges’ put Janet on alert.

  So John you may not have any grudges but what was the main thing about your parents lifestyle you didn’t like?”

  ”Well it was just boring, going to the RSL club and talking about the football with a lot of old geezers and eating fish and chips rather than going to a nice restaurant.

  “Was it that your parents didn’t like going to nice restaurants or because they couldn’t afford it?”

  “Bit of both I suppose but mainly because they couldn’t afford it.”

  “So how did you feel about that?” She was really probing now.

  I didn’t like it at all. I saw how those rich people were living when I was doing my gardening business.”

  “You said in an earlier session that Audry came from a rich family. Did Audry’s parents take her to nice restaurants?”

  “Yes I guess so. And also on overseas holidays as well.”

  “So did you resent that you were not able to live like that?”

  There was a pause in the conversation as John gathered his thoughts.

  “Maybe a bit, but I don’t blame my parents for that.”

  “What about doing the lawn mowing business while all the other kids were playing after school?”

  “Well, yes I didn’t like that!” John was raising his voice.

  “John, you’re raising your voice,” she chided him.

  John knew from their previous sessions this indicated he wasn’t accepting something. There was a pregnant pause as he took stock of his thoughts.

  “OK, if I really think about it I guess I wasn’t all that happy that I didn’t have all the advantages that other kids did.”

  “So would you have preferred to have had George for a father and come from a rich family or your own father and be from a poor family?”

  “My own father of course!” John was still raising his voice.

  “John your voice is rising again.”

  “Its not a fair comparison. I have a mate, Graham who comes from a rich family and his father is nothing like George.”

  “OK, would you rather have had your father than your friend Graham’s?”

  John was becoming confused now. He knew he loved his father but he certainly would have liked all the advantages Graham had in life.

  At this point Janet came in again,

  “John you told me in an earlier session that your father was a kindly man. So the question I am putting to you is, what is more important, having money or a loving father?”

  “Both,” said John.

  “But if you had to choose one or the other?”

  Again there was a long pause. Tears were coming to John’s eyes. His emotions were starting to whelm up inside him. He could not remember the last time he cried. He could only manage to blurt out,

  “My father.”

  Next, he took a long deep breath and put his head down in his hands and started sobbing uncontrollably. He was not sure how long this went on for but after quite a time he became aware that apart from his sobbing there was total silence in the room. Slowly he raised his head. Janet was just sitting there looking at him but saying nothing. She did not appear to be emotionally affected by his crying.

  In fact Janet knew there had been a breakthrough but it was now up to John to take it from here. As his therapist there was no point in her saying anything more. At this point she needed to be careful that she did not lead him in his thinking. A psychiatrist must be careful not to give their patients answers. The patient must come to their own realizations. John had been through enough for this session and needed to go away and work things out for himself.

  As John looked at her she broke the silence by saying,

  “How are you?”

  “I’m OK….., you must think I am a blubbering idiot?” he responded in a questioning manner, wiping the tears from his eyes and now starting to feel some embarrassment for sobbing in front of Janet.

  Ignoring the implied question Janet said in a firm voice,

  “That’s enough for today John, I will see you the day after tomorrow at 10:00am.”

  John was in a strange mood as he walked down the corridor. On the one hand he had just been through a very confronting emotional experience but on the other he had just realized he really did love his father. For that matter his mother as well. Yes love was more important than money. He joked with himself that the good old Protestant work ethic had been well and truly drummed into him, not by his father but by the circumstances of his upbringing.

  He wandered back to his bed picked up his book and sat quietly on the veranda. He was starting to realize that in a way his parents were content with their lot in life. Unlike Steve McQueen or James Garner for that matter, they were not searching for more all the time. McQueen especially never seemed to be content. He was only 50 when he died of cancer. John had to ask himself. Why was he not content? Why did he always want more?

  Certainly the sessions with Janet in recent days had opened his mind. He could now see that he had harboured a covert grudge against his father for losing money and causing him to start his gardening business. He could also see that he was more like George than he had ever been prepared to admit in the past. So why wasn’t he content. He had a beautiful home a wife and two kids, a far cry from where he had come from. But like Steve McQueen none of it was making him happy.

  The time seemed to drag. Although the sessions with Janet were very confronting he was learning more about himself than he ever had before. The afternoon was wearing on and the book John was reading was a bit boring and his mind started to wander. For some reason he started to reminisce about his life. He had certainly been through a lot in recent times but his life had not always been like this. He had many happy memories from his early childhood especially before the family had got into financial trouble and he had been forced to do his lawnmower business. He particularly liked his Pop and Nanna on his father’s side. They lived in a country town and he had spent a number of happy school holidays with them. They were real genuine country people. His Pop grew his own fruit and vegetables in his backyard.

  His Pop was a real character and a great storyteller. He would tell John one story that was a bit exaggerated, if John believed that he would tell him an even more far fetched one until John finally realized he was being had. Perhaps his great sense of humour was the reason he lived well into his 90’s. That and perhaps because he always grew fruit and vegetables in his back garden which kept him busy.

  He had died a few years ago. A warm smile came to John’s face as he thought back about both grandparents. He recalled one of his Pop’s stories, giving John some homespun advice in his slow deliberate voice,

  ”Well John.... when I got married we had a great wedding and everyone enjoyed themselves. After it was all over I took Nan home and took off my trousers and hung them on the bedpost. Then I said to her, who is going to wear these, you or me?”

  Of course his Nanna who was a real homebody would be fussing around in the background saying something like,

  “Don’t be silly, don’t listen to him John, he’s just telling stories.”

  One story, which would seem to be true, was that before he retired his Pop was an orchardist. He heard fruit was selling at high prices in the capital city so sent a railway truck with his whole years crop to a contact he had down there. When he rang a week later to see
how the fruit had sold, his contact said it never arrived. It turned out the railway truck with his fruit had thrown a wheel and been shunted off onto a sidetrack. All the fruit had rotted. This maybe the reason why he left his farm and settled in the small house where John spent holidays. It seemed however just like John’s father, he was not a particularly good businessman.

  He covered his whole backyard with fruit and vegetables and often sent boxes by rail to John’s parents in the city. John used the wooden boxes to make billy carts. His Pop was always teasing his Nanna and she was always very much the homebody looking after everyone. Sometimes when he went for a drink with his mates she would wait for him to come home on the front veranda. To tease her he would sometimes pretend to wobble down the street as if he was drunk.