Finding Alice Read online

  His Nanna was 10 years younger than his Pop and married him when she was 18. They were inseparable. It was said her hair turned grey around this time. They lived not far from the local racetrack. Every Saturday afternoon the same local taxi driver would call to pick them up and take them a short distance to the track so they could put their 50 cents on each way. Such was their charm he was more than happy to do this for many years.

  When they got really old unfortunately they had to move into an old peoples home together as his Nanna was having trouble physically looking after Pop. His Pop kept his mind to the end although the last time John met him at the nursing home he was starting to talk about things that happened many years ago, as if they happened yesterday. He died around 95 years old. His Nanna could never accept it. Although she lived for another four years she never could accept that he had died. Unfortunately she drifted off from reality after his death.

  So these two wonderful people may not have made their mark in recorded history but as he thought about them John could see they certainly had an important influence not only on his father but also on him. Yes thought John, they didn’t have a fancy house or a fancy car, but up until just before the end they both lived happy and contented lives.

  Why was John’s life not contented like theirs? Perhaps it was because he had always been too ambitious, never accepting the simple things in life. His mind continued to wander as he thought about his mother’s parents. They were also nice people but not as charming as his father’s parents. If anything they were a bit boring. Like John’s parents they also lived in a two-bedroom cottage. His grandfather on that side seemed to John to always be a bit grumpy. He didn’t enjoy the few times he had stayed with them as there was nothing to do there and his grandfather always seemed to have some job or other to do rather than entertain John like his other grandfather. So one grandfather was contented with his lot in life but the other one wasn’t. It also seemed to John that his grandmother on that side of the family wasn’t particularly happy either, however she meant well and did a lot of charity work through her local church.

  Next his mind wandered back to his school days. They had been pretty rough. Being born in March John was a bit younger and smaller than most of the other kids in his class. Even in primary school the kids had formed themselves into gangs at a very young age. They were only six or seven years old. There were often fights in the playground during recess but being small kids these did not usually amount to much, mostly just a bit of pushing and shoving. There was always a teacher on playground duty who quickly broke them up. It is amazing thought John what young kids will find to fight over. Next door to the school was a hotel. At one point they were undertaking some renovations and had thrown out some old but shiny tiles. These became the target to fight over. The gang with the most tiles was the winner. Even at that age John could see they were just worthless broken tiles and never got involved. He wondered how the other kids could be so stupid.

  At this point the classes were co-ed, boys and girls in together. One of the girls broke her arm and even though she wasn’t attractive all the boys all wanted to stand next to her at assembly. Again John could not see why they were doing this. He much preferred to stand next to a pretty girl he liked. The publican’s daughter from next door to the school was also in John’s class. She was a big fat girl. Every time she got into trouble, or one of the teachers said a cross word to her, she would run home. John had vivid memories of her running out of the class crying out loud, with tears streaming down her face and the teacher telling her to come back.

  John hung around with a group of kids who lived near him. Although they were not what you would call a gang, as they didn’t have a leader like other gangs, they looked out for each other and John didn’t have any real problems at primary school. However when he got to high school things were a bit different. His mates who lived near him scattered to a number of different high schools. Some of them whose parents had more money than John’s even went to private schools. Others to catholic schools. It was around this time that John’s father got into financial trouble could not afford to send him to a good school. John was the only one from his primary school group that went to his high school. His first year there was very lonely with no real friends.

  Although John lived in a poor area there was an even worse one nearby. It was really a slum. The kids from there were as rough as you could get and unfortunately many came to John’s high school. It was real survival of the fittest stuff in his first year there. John was only 11 years old when he first arrived but there were kids in his class who had repeated twice and were 15 years old. However these were not the real problem. They were pretty stupid for having to repeat twice and John found that if you humoured them a bit they didn’t give you much trouble. It was more the kids from the slum area around his age that were the problem. They all wanted to show how tough they were. John got into a fight with one of these kids after school one day. This kid had been provoking John by doing things like purposely nudging him as they were lining up to go into class. John agreed to meet him down the back after school.

  Even though he was short John was very strong for his size. The other guy had obviously had some boxing lessons and even though he wasn’t really hurting John, he was getting the better of him as they stood toe to toe. John decided to use another tactic and grabbed the kid around the neck and wrestled him to the ground. He couldn’t remember too much about how the fight progressed from there but eventually he was on top of the other kid with his arm across his neck. The kid was making a horrible “aaaaah” sound. John had, “gone the rat” and was going to keep choking this kid until the noise stopped. He had lost control and his rage had taken over. Who knows what would have happened he thought back, sitting there with the book he had been reading now closed on his lap. Could he have killed the kid? He had just turned 12 at the time. Maybe not, he only had the strength of a 12-year-old kid. It was an interesting question but had shown John that when he was provoked he certainly had the killer instinct.

  Lucky for John his math’s teacher was on his way home at the time and heard the noise the other kid was making. Somehow he found the whole thing amusing. He did not like the kid John was fighting and stood there actually laughing out loud in a type of misbelief. He let it go on for a few moments. Next he pulled John off the other kid and told him to get out of there and go home. Normally there would have been repercussions but the math’s teacher did not take it any further. He obviously enjoyed John giving the other kid a hiding. Word about the fight got around and the next day at school various kids came up to John and congratulated him. Evidently the kid John had fought had been provoking other kids as well. Word was out John was not to be messed with and he did not have any more trouble.

  Next he started to think of his later years at school. Most of the rough kids left at the end of year three to become tradesmen or get other jobs as John’s father had wanted him to. So his last two years at high school were uneventful. Of course by this time he had made a number of friends. One who he admired was a champion swimmer. While John was doing his lawnmower business after school his mate was always training. He became one of the top swimmers in the country but unfortunately he came fourth in the national championships. The first three went to the Olympics but John’s mate missed out. What a waste, thought John, all that training and to just miss out. At least John was getting paid for his gardening work and of course he had met Audry.

  When he was sixteen John suddenly shot up. He grew over six inches in one year. No longer was he short for his age. Being fit and handsome he was popular with the girls. Apart from Audry he was dating two other girls. But not much more than a bit of hand holding and kissing with an occasional bit of breast fondling. However John eventually broke it off with these girls in favour of Audry. At the time she seemed to have what he was looking for. But times had certainly changed. John was growing and becoming a better person but Audry was not changing. In fact she was becoming more and more
fixed in her ways and more and more like her father.

  So thinking back his life had been OK with no major traumas. His main gripe as he had discussed with Dr Rush was that he had to do his lawnmower business after school while the other kids had been able to do their own thing. John could see that this had made him resentful and probably accounted for much of his ambition to have a better life than his father. His father’s near bankruptcy had shown him the fragility of life and impassioned him with a desire to achieve more than his parents. Also it was probably why John had stuck with Audry. Coming from a rich family had definitely been part of the attraction.

  But John had now come full circle and was starting to see there was more in life than material possessions and making money. In some way he was actually looking forward to the next session.

  Janet ushered him into her office in her usual warm and friendly way.

  “How are you feeling this morning John?” she knew he had been through a lot in their last session.

  “Not bad. If fact pretty good.”

  Seeing John was fine she asked,

  “John we have been discussing a lot of the longer term issues in your life and I think you are starting to get some insight into the things that have been troubling you. But today I want to focus on more recent events. Are you ready to do that or am I going too fast for you?

  “No its OK, we can discuss recent events.”

  Janet decided to press on,

  What do you think was the catalyst that brought you here to Sunnydale?”

  The catalyst, thought John. What does she mean by that? Then it came to him,

  “Alice.”

  “Yes your affair with Alice Johnson your neighbour. Would you like to talk about that?”

  “Well it sort of just happened.”

  “John, affairs don’t just happen. There are many reasons why they occur but usually there is an initial attraction then one party becomes the perpetrator.”

  “Well I guess that was me. We had a dinner party at my place and I kissed Alice in the kitchen.” As he said this memories came flooding back, her beauty, the passion he felt for her. It was overwhelming.

  “You have no idea Janet, she is the most beautiful and amazing woman I have ever met.”

  “Go on John. What happened after the kitchen?”

  “Well its complicated. But thinking about it she turned up at my work and in a way she then became the perpetrator. It’s all very confusing. I thought I was pursuing her but if I think back about it now, she was actually pursuing me. I thought I was in charge but I can see now actually she was.” John paused,

  “The sex was amazing Janet……” but before he could continue she cut in,

  “OK, stop right there John. I don’t want to get into the graphic details of your affair. I am only interested in the effect it has had on you and why it was the catalyst for you needing to come here.” John paused to think and get his thoughts together,

  “Well as I said the sex was amazing, but then suddenly for no reason I can fathom, she ended it all and told me to go back to my wife. I just don’t understand it.”

  “There could be many reasons John and I’m afraid I can’t help you with that. But the point is she ended the affair and you don’t seem to have coped too well with that. In fact you don’t seem to have coped too well at all?” she said in a questioning manner.

  “I just can’t understand why she ended it.” He was almost crying.

  “She must have had her reasons John. Perhaps she wanted to go back to her husband, but as I said I can’t help you with that. My concern is that you don’t seem to be acknowledging the situation. Its seems the affair is over and you don’t seem to be accepting it.”

  This hit John like a bolt of lightening. “The affair is over” kept echoing in his head. Suddenly he felt a wave of hurt and anger engulf him. Yes it does seem that the affair is over. How could it be over? But is Janet saying its over? Is she saying its over or that I am not accepting it, or both? How can she be so cruel? Suddenly the hurt and anger got the better of him,

  “You don’t understand Janet. You just don’t understand at all.”

  But as he said this he somehow could hear his own voice. He was listening to himself talking. He could hear the pitch of his own voice. It was angry and highly emotional. Janet was not saying a word. She was just sitting there looking at him.

  He fell quiet. There was deadly silence in the room. He looked at Janet. She seemed to be waiting for him to say something…….Finally,

  “You’re right Janet …its over.”

  Another day another revelation, he thought, as he left her office and walked slowly down the corridor. It had been a big one to admit he was more like George than he had thought, then another big one to realize he had some covert resentment towards his father for being a bad businessman but now the worst one, the affair with Alice was over. It was over and he had no satisfactory explanation for it. The other thing was that Janet could not help him with it either. All she had done was suggest that Alice may have wanted to go back to her husband. Was that it? No, John didn’t think so but for the moment there seemed to be no other satisfactory explanation.

  The days went by and he continued to go to group in the mornings then every second day had his sessions with Janet. A lot of the pieces seemed to be falling into place but it was becoming obvious there would be no answer to why Alice had ended the affair with him. He kept bringing it up. At one of their sessions Janet had said,

  “There are just some things we have to live with John. Remember how I talked with you some time ago about the need to tolerate ambiguity?”

  Yes he told himself over and over again, he would just have to tolerate the ambiguity of the situation. There would be no answer to this one.

  In the following days he borrowed a number of other books from the library. One that interested him was a biography of Marlon Brando. Like Steve McQueen he was not a happy man either, although he did live a lot longer and managed to make it to the age of 80. From being so handsome when he was young Brando became grossly overweight, as he got older. John liked a couple of stories from his early days. Brando was what was to become known as a “method actor”. He studied thoroughly for every roll and got right into the part, night and day. One story goes that when he was at acting school the teacher told the class to imagine they were hens and an atomic bomb was coming. Everyone in the class got up and started to run around wildly making hen noises and flapping their arms. However Brando sat quietly in a corner. When the instructor went over and asked him what he was doing. He said,

  “I am a hen sitting on my eggs. What would I know about atom bombs?” He was a method actor getting right into the roll.

  In another incident Brando had to play the part of a crippled war veteran. He spent two weeks in a rehabilitation hospital in a wheelchair with real crippled veterans. On his last night they all went to a restaurant with Brando still in his wheelchair. Two young Seventh Day Adventist girls came into the restaurant and handed out brochures about how God could save them. Brando read his brochure then shouted out,

  Halleluiah I’m cured,” and got up and started to dance around the restaurant much to the delight of the veterans with him.

  This was the prankster side of Brando. Like Steve McQueen he was a rebel had lots of affairs and was also married three times. Well I have had a few affairs but I have only been married once, thought John.

  He continued to meet with Sandra on the front veranda most days. He enjoyed her company and they both seemed to lift each other’s mood. He discussed both books with her. Her comment concerned the fact that both McQueen and Brando had very traumatic upbringings, McQueen had been in a boys home and Brando had a lonely childhood with his father away much of the time and his mother an alcoholic.

  “It seems their bad childhoods probably accounted for much of their restlessness and unhappy adult lives?” she said.

  John had to think about this. Whereas Sandra had an almost similar pro
blem to Brando, with an alcoholic mother and a father never home, he had caring and loving parents. Even his covert anger towards his father was nothing really terrible. Yes his problems were only minor compared to Sandra’s.

  He wasn’t sure how long he had been in the hospital, but it was probably over two months, when Nurse Scott came up to him on the veranda and said Dr Rush wanted to see him. This was unusual as their next session was not due until the following day.

  “Hi John, take a seat,” she paused,

  “Your wife has been to see Dr Smith. How would you feel about going home soon?”

  “Well I guess I can’t stay here forever?” replied John, although he hadn’t really given much thought to going home.

  “Your wife is keen for you to go home, but I am not sure, do you think you are really ready for it?”

  “I guess so,” said John.