Finding Alice Read online

  “You’re not going to have me scheduled.... are you Dr Rush?” John asked nervously. He was addressing her by her correct title and not being a smart alec any more.

  “No, but if you carry on again like yesterday we might have to,” she responded.

  “I am really truly sorry about yesterday. I swear it will never happen again. I had no idea that they would go into a frenzy like that.” He apologized again saying it wouldn’t happen again.

  “Well it better not.” Her voice was firm. “You seem to have quite a few issues that you seem to be unable to deal with John.” She paused for a moment to let it sink in,

  “You also seem to have been transferring your thoughts, onto Dr Smith.”

  “What does that mean?” Asked John

  “Somehow, Dr Smith must to remind you of your father-in-law. You seem to have been redirecting your hatred for your father-in-law, onto Dr Smith. I can tell you John, Dr Smith is a fine psychiatrist. He has been running this hospital for 20 years and was one of the main reasons I came to work here. He is not interested to probe unnecessarily into your sex life, or anything else for that matter.” She paused then continued,

  “However seeing that you have developed an intense disliking for him, with your transference, we have decided that I will be your therapist while you are here. I am going to meet with you for about an hour at least twice a week. We will see how you go.”

  “Will I be able to go to the group sessions?” asked John

  “As I said we will have to see. It all depends on you John. I certainly don’t want you to attend group for the next few days. Do you have any idea what you were doing in that room yesterday?”

  “Not really,” said John “ All I know is that I was extremely angry and frustrated. More angry and frustrated that I have ever been.”

  “Dr Smith and I think you were de-compensating.”

  Again John looked puzzled.

  “It means you let down all your defense mechanisms, in response to the stress you have been under,” she continued,

  “That is not necessarily a bad thing, in fact if you are prepared to learn from it, it can actually be a big first step in your recovery.”

  “How's that?” asked John

  “When people have things worrying them, that they can’t find an answer to, it puts them under a lot of stress. Sometimes you need to let it all out, so you can start to deal with it.”

  She certainly knew her stuff this young psychologist, thought John. And to think I didn’t show her any respect.

  He apologized again,

  “I’m truly sorry Dr Rush.”

  It’s OK John.” Her voice was warmer, “I don’t mind if you call me Janet, when we are in these sessions alone, but I would prefer if you called me by my correct title in front of the other patients.”

  “I will,” said John.

  “John, I believe I can help you, but only if you are prepared to listen to me and do what I tell you.” She continued,

  “Yesterday, you acted out in an extreme manner. I think your problems can be overcome, if you are prepared to let me help you. I am noticing that your attitude towards me today, seems to already be changing.” She paused looking at her watch,

  “I can’t do much with you today and you need to settle down, after all that acting out you were doing yesterday.”

  John gave her a guilty look.

  “I want you just to take it easy today. I saw that you have a book. Why don’t you find somewhere quiet and sit and read that. I’ll see you at 10:30 tomorrow morning, 10:30 sharp.”

  John wandered back to his bed, got his book and sat in a chair on the veranda at the front of the hospital. He fluctuated between reading his book about Steve McQueen and thinking about how he had acted out the day before and what Dr Rush...Janet had said to him.

  Late in the afternoon the young suicide girl came and sat in the chair beside him.

  “Hello Sandra,” he greeted her.

  “Hi John,” she had also remembered his name.

  .

  “I’m really sorry about what happened yesterday at the group discussion.”

  “That’s OK,” she didn’t seem to be too worried about it.

  She sat there for a while and seemed to want to talk a bit. They discussed the birds they could see eating some bread someone had put on the lawn and also the types of flowers they could see growing in the garden.

  The dinner bell went and they walked inside together.

  Next morning John knocked on Dr Rush’s door right at 10:30 am.

  “Come in and close the door John,” They sat down the same way as the day before facing each other in her visitors chairs.

  “How did you sleep last night John?”

  “Much better thanks.” It had been a much cooler night and sister Rached had made him take two sleeping tablets.

  After a few more pleasantries about the weather, she got down to business.

  “I want you to tell me all about yourself starting with your childhood,” said Janet.

  “How far back do you want me to go?”

  “You can start with your earliest memory if you like,” encouraged Janet.

  After a slow start John began to talk. Once he got going he just talked and talked, with Dr Rush asking questions every now and again. He told her about how he had been brought up in a working class suburb, had not done particularly well at school but had been good at sport. She asked him why he had not done well at school? It turned out he had done well in his earlier years, in fact he had been top of the class, but when he had got older his grades had slipped. He had been doing the gardening business, which left him little time for study. He had often got into trouble for not doing his homework. He said how his parents were working class people and seemed happy with their lot in the suburbs, but that he had always wanted more than that.

  “There’s nothing wrong with wanting to improve yourself John,” she said

  Then he got on to talking about his wife and how she had come from a wealthy family and how he had met her doing his gardening business. He also talked about how his father-in-law, had not thought he was good enough for his daughter. She probed him quite a lot about this area of his life.

  After about an hour she said,

  “Well that seems to be a pretty normal upbringing John and I don’t see that you have any major problems with your parents although there are some issues with your father we will need to talk about later. But you do seem to have some major issues with your wife and especially your father-in-law, however I think that will do us for today.” She was looking tired from concentrating on what he had been saying for so long.

  “The best way I like to handle a situation like yours is to deal with the things that are worrying you, one at a time. So for today, I would like you to go away now and think about why you hate your father-in-law so much. You can write things down on a piece of paper if you wish. Come and see me at 10:30 am the day after tomorrow and we will discuss it.”

  John didn’t know it but his Cognitive Behavioural Therapy had just begun.

  He left her office and walked slowly down the corridor. Why did he hate George so much? The question plagued him all afternoon, as he sat on the veranda at the hospital entrance. Was it because George was a pompous ass? Not really there were plenty of pompous asses out there. Was it because George didn’t approve of his marriage to Audry? Yes that was part of it. Was it because George thought he was better than him, because he came from the western suburbs? Maybe. Was it because George treated him like a servant and walked around like he owned the place, every time he came to visit? That was true also.

  After dinner John kept thinking about it. He thought about how he and Audry had been secret lovers when they were teenagers. How they had to have a shotgun wedding and how the world he had come from was totally different to Audry’s. He became sad as he thought about recent events and how their marriage had deteriorated.

  Later, “Nurse Rached” came around and gave him a s
leeping tablet. It was a cooler night again and eventually he drifted off, into a restless sleep.

  Next day was pretty uneventful and late in the afternoon he ended up on the front veranda again, sitting next to Sandra, the young suicide girl. She seemed to be in a mood to talk about more meaningful things today. John remembered how Dr Rush had tried to start the group discussion by getting Sandra to talk about how parents influence the way we think. He found she was ready to discuss this with him today. As she was talking, his mind wandered back to his own problems. He kept thinking about the words “parents influence their children.”

  Suddenly, he had what he thought was a breakthrough in his thinking. It was more to do with how George had messed up Audry and how she was now passing it on to his children. George had fucked up Audry and now she was fucking up the kids. Yes that must be it. George had made Audry into a stuffed up chook and now she was passing this onto the kids.

  The following morning he sat down again at 10:30 with Dr Rush and chatted for a while about his married life, when she asked him:

  “How did you go with your homework John?”

  John explained how he felt a lot of his hatred for George was because he had fucked up his daughter and she was now passing it onto his kids. He finished by making a general statement,

  “Each generation seems to pass their “stuff” onto the next one.”

  At this point Dr Rush came in,

  “That might well be true John but have you ever thought that the reason you hate your father-in-law so much, is that you might actually be a lot like him?

  This came at John right out of left field and John was not ready for it. But Janet had already surprised him with how perceptive she was, so he had to give it some thought.

  “I’m nothing like him,“ said John raising his voice in anger.

  “Do you realize you’re raising you’re voice?” queried Janet

  “That's because I’m absolutely nothing like him, nothing like him at all. How could you even suggest such a thing?”

  “Well you may be right,” said Dr Rush trying to get him to focus, rather than get lost in his anger,

  “But sometimes people get angry when they don’t want to accept the truth.”

  Dr Rush knew this was going to be a big one for John, so she said,

  “Well I would like you to just think about it over the next few days. At least give it some consideration. Will you do that for me John?”

  He walked down the corridor. Every time he left her office he seemed to have more things to think about. But yes, this was a big one for him and he really couldn’t bring himself to believe he was anything like his archenemy, George.

  Over the following weeks he kept on having sessions with Janet, but continued to deny he was anything like George. She kept on sending him away with more things to consider, after each session. His hatred for George had opened up a whole Pandora’s box of other questions and sub questions. After one session, she asked him to consider why Audry had married him? He had never thought about this before, he was John and why wouldn’t she have wanted to marry him. However, he had to give it greater consideration when Janet put it in terms of,

  “Why would a rich girl want to marry a poor gardener like you, from a working class suburb when she could have married someone from her own social circle?” Certainly Audry had never had much time for his parents and never wanted to visit them.

  Other questions came up such as,

  How did he feel about his parents not wanting to improve their lot in life?

  Did he feel guilty about his affair with Alice? If not why not?

  Why had he sought to live more like Audry’s parents, than his own?

  So it went on over a number of weeks. It seemed like his whole life was being taken apart and put back together again. However, being in the Hospital he was able to look at it all from a distance, like a helicopter view. One thing that was starting to realize, was that in the past he had been a bit of an upstart, with a big ego and had made life difficult for many around him.

  Living at the hospital, he was developing a daily pattern. In the mornings he was now going back to group discussions, then in the afternoons reading his book on the veranda, waiting for Sandra to come and sit next to him.

  As they talked each day, Sandra started opening up more and more to him. She had a very pretty face and in the old days, he would have been making sexual innuendoes to her. But something had changed. He was talking to her more like a mentor, or a father. He was not seeing her as a sex object, as he once would have.

  Her story was really quite sad. Her father was the Managing Director of a large corporation and was never home. John had to think although he only ran a real estate agency; he was hardly ever home either. Especially on the weekends when estate agents make most of their sales. Perhaps that's why his kids were becoming distant from him and Audry was having such a big influence on them.

  Sandra suspected her father had a mistress, as he was always going to Brisbane. They must all be doing things in Brisbane, thought John.

  Sandra’s mother was a homebody who obeyed all her father’s commands. She had become an alcoholic. Suddenly, a bell rang in John’s mind. Wasn’t he also very demanding with Audry around the house? Didn’t he just order her around also? Just like George ordered his wife around. Shit, perhaps that was one way he was like George. Perhaps that’s one reason why Audry had married him? Wow and wasn’t he like Sandra’s father in that he was never home to relate to his kids? On weekends he was doing auctions and open houses for inspection. No wonder Audry had, had a much bigger influence over them than him. It was certainly worth thinking about some more, but for now he needed to listen to Sandra

  Sandra had run away from home a few times, but always the police had brought her back, except the last time. She had ended up at Kings Cross and was in with a crowd that were taking drugs. They had been breaking into houses, to get drug money.

  At the time John didn’t realize it but it wasn’t just him helping her, they were both helping each other, her by just having someone to actually listen to her for once and him to see how parent’s actions affect their children.

  Finally, after they had been talking for a number of days, he thought the time had come to ask her,

  “The bandages,” he said pointing to them. Sandra tried to cover them again but managed to get out,

  “There were three of them.“

  “Three of them?” John repeated.

  “They raped me.”

  He reached over and put his hand on her arm. The tears were rolling down her cheeks. She got up and went inside. That was enough for her for one day, but at least she had got it off her chest.

  As time went on John was starting to concede, that there were at least a few ways in which he was similar to George, but was reluctant to admit that Audry had married him because in fact, in many ways he was very similar to George.

  At their last session Dr Rush had said to him,

  “I’m very pleased with how you are progressing John. I have seen a big change in you. You seen to be getting some insight into your problems.”

  John looked at her.

  “You are actually participating in the groups now, rather than being destructive.”

  And indeed he had. John was a natural leader and he got the discussions going each morning, but in a positive, rather than a negative manner. The participants were now sharing their life experiences with each other and giving each other support.

  “I believe you have been helping young Sandra. She told me she wished you were her father,” said Janet

  “All I have been doing is listening to her,” said John

  “That’s all she needs from you but don’t try to advise her. That’s my job.”

  John nodded.

  He found that as the weeks went by, some of the load seemed to be lifting from his shoulders. He was able to concentrate more on the book he was reading. Steve McQueen was an interesting character, but he seemed to
have had a lot of unresolved problems in his life. Like John he had never been content with what he had. He liked the part where Steve had bought a home up the hill from James Garner, whom he regarded as his archenemy. He used to get pleasure out of standing on his balcony and pissing towards Garner’s house below him. However wasn’t Garner pretty much like McQueen. Had he had not started out as “Maverick” in a cowboy series on TV and had tried to work his way up into main line movies, just like Steve. This got him thinking, McQueen and Garner hated each other, but in reality they were pretty much alike. Perhaps, he really was more like George, than he had ever been prepared to admit in the past?

  But Steve McQueen was more like the old John, not the new John that was emerging. The new John was more relaxed, empathetic and actually listened to what people were saying these days.