Finding Alice Page 15

  “I see from Janet’s, I mean Dr Rush’s notes.” Ah thought John, I have her first name now.

  “ I see,” he continued, “that you have been having some sort of an affair with one of your neighbours.”

  “Would you like to talk to me about that?”

  I certainly would not, thought John; you look like a dirty old perve to me. But he couldn't say what he was thinking, so he responded with,

  “I don’t really like to talk about it.”

  “Really, that's not what Dr Rush’s notes indicate. You seemed quite happy to talk about it with her.”

  How am I going to get out of this, thought John. He looks like a hanging judge to me and could keep me in here forever, if I am not careful.

  “Well its just that its over now and it hurts every time I think about it,” he tried to parry Dr. Smith.

  Dr Smith looked up from the notes and peered at John over the top of his glasses.

  ”Its best if you talk about these things you know. Helps you to get over it.”

  John had to think fast. He wasn’t going to discuss his inner most sexual thoughts with this old bastard.

  “Yes,” said John, “you are probably right but Dr Rush said I would need to talk to a specialist sex therapist about that and you don’t have anyone here.”

  The doctor was now looking at him very suspiciously.

  “Dr Rush is an intern. I have many, many years experience in psychiatry.”

  “Yes, but you’re not a trained sex specialist are you?” persisted John.

  There was no reply from Dr Smith. Round one to John.

  “Hmm, I see also, you hate your father-in-law and are having sexual problems with your wife,” he persisted.

  “Well that's something else Dr Rush said I might need to talk to a specialist sex therapist about in the future.” John was almost pleading now. How was he going to stop this unnecessary interrogation?

  Just then there was a knock at the door. It was young nurse Scott. Evidently there was a problem in the dining room.

  “OK, John we will discuss this further tomorrow. Make sure you go to group discussion tomorrow morning.”

  “Phew,” thought John, saved in the nick of time. At least for now.

  In fact Dr Smith was still recovering from the death of his wife of 40 years, who had died of cancer, just over a year ago. He had really loved his wife and had been comfort eating and not sleeping well. Both of these things had made him put on weight. He was a very good psychiatrist and a friend of Dr Rush’s father. They had been at university together and had written a number of papers together for the Psychiatric Journal.

  He had not been trying to “perve” into John’s sex life, but could see that John had taken an instant dislike to him and it was not because of anything he had said or done.

  The rest of the day passed slowly. Boy it was hot. John sat under the same tree again and tried to read his book but he couldn’t concentrate. His mind started to wander over recent events. How did he end up here in a nut house? Dan and Lizzy were obviously quite mad and deserved to be here. But he wasn’t mad was he? Sure he had been drinking a bit too much lately. Well perhaps a lot too much. He had also been angry and confused at times. Well very angry and confused a lot of the time. It was all to do with Alice. How could she have told him to fuck off yet her mother had been so kind to him? Surely Alice had felt something when they were making love? It certainly seemed to satisfy her. It had certainly satisfied him. It was so beautiful, so intense and yet so free. Why then did she not want anything more to do with him? Perhaps she was guilty. No that couldn’t be it. She had obviously told her mother something about it because Jane had heard of him when he first met her at the Tyrone store. But Alice had only told her husband Bill about the kiss in the kitchen not the rest. Why not? She said she always told him everything.

  The more John thought about it the more confused and frustrated he became. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore. It was all going around and around. Boy it was hot. Sweat was running down his forehead and the hot wind was becoming annoying by ruffling his hair against his sweaty forehead. What am I going to do? My life is a complete fiasco. Obviously Alice doesn’t feel the same way about me as I feel about her. How could she have done this to me?

  All afternoon John minced these things over and over in his mind. But all he was getting were questions not answers. At 5pm a bell sounded and the patients all started heading into the dining room. John got up and followed them in. The same islander woman was dishing out the food. It was terrible; nothing like Audry’s cooking. For the main course he had runny mashed potato with some overcooked peas and some sort of stew that looked like something the cat had thrown up. For dessert, he had ice cream and peaches. The ice cream was a bit runny, but not too bad, however the peaches were out of a tin and tasted terrible. Yes the one thing he was missing about Audry was her cooking, he thought.

  After dinner he went for a walk and heard a TV going. In a small sitting room a number of patients were watching the news. He sat down in a vacant chair. John had been right, there were bush fires burning all over the state and a number of homes and lives had been lost. They were referring to it as a firestorm. Very depressing thought John.

  He heard a noise and looked around to see a large woman, pushing a trolley. She had on the same type of blue uniform, that Nurse Scott had been wearing, earlier in the day. Looked a lot better on Nurse Scott, he thought. The new nurse proceeded to go round to each patient and hand them a small plastic cup with pills in it and a glass of water. They all took their medication without question.

  She looks like that psychopathic nurse from the movie “One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest” Sister Rached, thought John. I’ll bet she tries to control all the patients in here.

  When she got to John, she handed him a glass of water and a plastic cup, with one pill in it.

  “What’s this?” Asked John

  “Its something to help you sleep,” she answered gruffly.”

  “Its OK,” said John, “ I don’t need anything to help me sleep.”

  “You will take this pill, I am not going to have you wandering around at night.”

  John looked at her, god she was ugly. I wouldn’t want to meet her in a dark alley he thought. She must be the night nurse. I’ll bet she sleeps on the job when everyone’s gone to bed. He begrudgingly took the pill.

  He finished watching the news then went to his bed and tried to read his book, but it was still very hot and he found it hard to concentrate. He tried to go to sleep, but was agitated thinking about his “problems” and also with the heat that wouldn’t leave him alone, so much so that his back was sweating against the mattress. The sleeping pill he took was not working and he was not sure that he slept a wink all night. He certainly was awake when “Sister Rached” did her rounds a few times.

  He had been wrong about a few things during that day. The thoughts he had about Dr Rush wearing glasses and Dr Smith wanting to “perve” on his sex life, were wrong. Also, John couldn’t know it, but in fact “Sister Rached” was not a psychopath, just an old woman who was a bit grumpy and did night duty to get away from her husband, for a while. The only thing he had been partially right about was that “Sister Rached” had been known to fall asleep in the early hours of the morning, when everything was quiet and everyone else was asleep.

  Next morning he got up feeling very washed out from lack of sleep. He somehow managed to get himself to breakfast and had just finished when he saw Nurse Scott coming towards him. She was a much better sight than that horrible night sister.

  “Dr Rush would like you to go to group discussion this morning. It will be starting in a few minutes. Just go down the stairs to the basement and take the first door on your left.”

  Chapter 18 Group Discussion and Room C

  John stumbled down the stairs and nearly tripped over. He had hardly slept a wink all night, wriggling in the heat and thinking about Audry, George, Alice, everything. How he hated his lif
e, what was the point to it? After at first going the wrong way at the bottom of the stairs, he finally somehow found the group discussion room.

  It was a large room in the basement of the hospital. There were some tables around the sides with various arts and crafts on them. On one side of the room, there were a whole lot of pottery type items, most of which looked very amateurish. On the other side there were a whole lot of paintings, which again looked very amateurish. They must have been doing some occupational therapy, thought John. I don’t think they have too many budding potters or artists around here.

  In the centre of the room there were about 20 chairs arranged in a circle. Dr Rush was sitting on the far side.

  “ Good morning John.”

  “Good morning, Janet,” he replied.

  She gave him a really dirty look, as if to say how did you find out my name? That is not how you are supposed to address me.

  “OK John,” her voice was strained as if to say that’s enough of that.

  “Take a seat please, we are just waiting for a few more people.”

  John looked around as the stragglers wandered in. What a depressing mob, he thought. He noticed Dan and then saw Lizzie was sitting, with an empty chair beside her for “Thomas”. The young suicide girl was sitting directly across from him. He also noticed another a young girl who looked very skinny, in fact her cheeks looked like they were all sucked in and her arms were so thin, he could see the bones. Must be anorexic, he thought. Further around from him was an old man, with his head down who looked very depressed. In fact with the amateur arts and crafts and the run down look of the room, the whole thing looked very depressing.

  Dr Rush commenced proceedings

  “How are we all feeling today?”

  There was no response. Some were shuffling in their seats, while others were looking sheepishly around the room. Deadly silence. She tried again

  “Is there anything anyone would like to share with us?”

  Again deadly silence.

  “I don’t mind, we can all just sit here and say nothing if you like, it’s up to you.”

  Dr Rush looked over at the young suicide girl.

  “Sandra, yesterday you were talking about how our parent’s have a big effect on the way we think. Would you like to talk about that further?”

  So that’s the name of the suicide girl, thought John. However Sandra just shuffled in her chair and looked at the floor, then pulled her sleeves down over her bandages. So they all just sat there for what seemed like quite a while, without anyone saying anything. All right I’ll be the bunny, thought John and launched out with,

  “The food around here is lousy.”

  “OK, we can talk about the food if you like. What is wrong with the food John?”

  “What’s right with it,” he said, “It’s all lousy. You wouldn’t feed it to a dog.”

  “Anyone else want to talk about the food?” There was deadly silence.

  “OK, apart from the food is there anything anyone else would like to talk about.” She was trying very hard. Again they all sat there for what seemed like ages. This is bloody ridiculous, thought John. What a depressing mob. OK I’ll stir them up.

  “Look Lizzie, Thomas has fallen on the floor. I think he’s dead.”

  He got a reaction but nothing like he had ever seen before. Lizzie let out an almighty scream, that seemed to echo round the whole hospital and with that mass hysteria broke out. Dan jumped up and started pacing back and forth across the room, yelling something incoherently, with his head down. The old man was rocking back and forth in his chair, making a terrible moaning sound. Sandra, the young suicide girl, had her head down, with both hands over her ears. The young anorexic girl was sobbing uncontrollably. One of the other patients got up and threw his chair at the wall, smashing the pottery and knocking the whole table over. It was pandemonium.

  Dr Rush got up from her chair and came straight at John, pointing towards the door.

  “Get out of here John. OUT right now.”

  As he left, he could hear Dr Rush saying,

  “Look Lizzie, Thomas is OK he’s getting up. Dan sit down please.”

  Hell, he wasn’t expecting that. He went back and sat on his bed and tried to read his book, but wasn’t really taking it in. He was still in a state of shock.

  After about an hour, nurse Scott came into the room.

  “Dr Smith would like to see you Mr. Mason.”

  “Uh oh,” thought John.

  “Sit down,” said Dr Smith angrily.

  “You have caused nothing but trouble since you have been here. Do you have any idea the trouble you caused at group this morning? This is a soft psychiatry hospital here. Do you know I could have you scheduled, to a full lock up institution? Do you know what that means? You will have an official record saying you are a mental patient and I can keep you there as long as I like.”

  I’ll bet you would love to do that, thought John, as the anger swelled up inside him. But it was more than anger, this time it was rage.

  “You hypocritical old bastard,” he yelled at Dr Smith. “You’re worse than George, you prick. You’ve been dying to send me there haven’t you?” John was off his face.

  “I’d like to push that nose of yours right down your throat. All you want to do is perve on my sex life, you ugly old bastard. I’ll bet you haven’t had a decent fuck in 20 years.”

  John was absolutely out of control now. He was yelling and screaming all sorts of abuse at Dr Smith. What he didn’t notice however was Dr Smith reaching for a red button under his desk, just as John flung the filing tray on the desk across the room and papers and pens went flying all over the place. Next minute two burly orderlies wearing white coats appeared at the door. They grabbed John, one on each arm.

  “Take him to room C,” ordered Dr Smith.

  The room was dark and John was totally out of control. The two orderlies pushed him in and closed the door. He started kicking and pounding on the wall. Suddenly, through his rage he noticed something strange. The walls were soft. My god they’ve put me in a padded cell, but he was in such a state now that nothing could stop him. He was kicking and pounding the wall and wailing, all at the same time. He went on losing all sense of time. Finally through sheer exhaustion he sank to his knees, sobbing uncontrollably, on all fours. After a while he fell back against the wall in a sitting position with his knees up against his chest and his arms around them, sobbing and rocking back and forth. He had never cried like this in his life before. He did that for ages, until finally out of sheer exhaustion he fell asleep. He had literally cried himself to sleep.

  What he couldn’t see through all this, was a young doctor with spectacles observing him through a small window. He also he did not see her fetch Dr Smith, who also observed him for a time and then go into Dr Rush’s office and have a long conversation with her, about how they should treat him.

  Chapter 19 An Awakening

  A soft voice was saying

  “Wake up John. John are you OK?”

  He opened his eyes. He was still on the floor where he had fallen asleep. But light was streaming into the room now. He could see a pair of women’s legs standing over him. They were shapely. He looked up and saw that it was Dr Rush.

  “John, I want you to talk to me. Where are you?”

  He looked around.

  “I’m in the room those two guys over there put me in.” The two orderlies were standing near the door. “What time is it?”

  “You have been asleep since yesterday afternoon, its now 10 am in the morning.” As she said this, having decided John was not a threat, she made an away signal with her hand and the two orderlies left the room. She continued,

  “You seem to have settled down a bit since yesterday. What I want you to do now is to get up, go next door to the bathroom and freshen up, then come and see me in my office. Are you OK to do that John?”

  “Yes,” he said slowly getting to his feet, “I’m OK.”

  He took his t
ime in the bathroom, then finally knocked on Dr Rush’s door

  “Come in, how are you really feeling John?” she asked, ushering him in and indicating for him to sit in the furthest away, of her visitor’s chairs. As she said this, she got up from her desk and closed the door. Instead of returning to her chair behind the desk, she sat down in her other visitors’ chair, so the were face to face. He couldn’t help noticing up close that she had very nice features, despite the glasses and hair pulled back.

  Actually, John was feeling a bit better as he had finally had a long sleep.